Sides

I am usually on the wrong side of the issue. Or should I say, the unpopular side. I have serious convictions and have a need to be right (heard). I thought sticking to my guns would be easier as I got older. You know, not caring what anyone else thinks, etc. The truth is, it's harder. My feelings get hurt a lot easier and I'm just tired. People are mean and mean spirited for no good reason at all.

I now think the fairest words printed in the paper are "they were not available for comment". It doesn't really matter what anyone says, because their words are going to be twisted and used in a way that will usually negate the very essence of truth.

I'm embarrassed, truth be told. My pride is hurt and I feel like an idiot. No one will remember that I was quoted in the Wall Street Journal, except me. And probably my mother - who thinks everything I say is fine anyway.

Let it go is what Bob is telling me. God love him, he has no clue what is going to happen next and he still loves me.

Maybe one day I will learn to keep my mouth shut. Maybe.

The desire to write...

...is really strong, but usually comes in waves. I'd rather it be a different situation, but it's not. I'm not a writer, I'm a wannabe. There's an assignment on the table from my book club. Write a piece about myself to read or be read at the next club meeting. Now it's time to admit that finding time to write at all is something I haven't committed myself to, ever. Okay, well, now that I'm being honest.

Truly, writing can be so cathartic and I should do it more, if only to help work through some of the tangle of thoughts in my head. Seriously, it doesn't stop. I've put to much on my plate, just like most women and I'm not being totally effective at most it.

That said, I'm glad that I have the problem of too much to do. The alternative would be so boring.

Early Riser

It feels so good to get up early, get a work out in, have tea with the ladies, eat a healthy breakfast and be ready to start the day - all before 8am! It makes me proud of myself. Yeah me!

Happy Sunday

Woke up to rain this morning. Early for rain to come to the Sonoma Coast. The grape growers are not going to be happy. But me? Well, I won't have to water the plants today! My parents are visiting, so Mom and I are going down to see a cousin in Marin. And maybe, if the weather breaks, an art show will be on the agenda. A few mimosas for sure!

Floating on the River

It's so nice to be outside when it's hot and breezy. Sometimes, I have to admit, the cold and damp of Bodega Bay kinda gets to me. We took ourselves over the the Russian River yesterday to canoe downstream and picnic on the riverbank. Could not have been more beautiful! It's about a 2-3 hour trip and well worth the cost - especially when Dad treated. The west coast seems to be free of the bugs that invade you on east coast waters. No mosquitoes or flies, but plenty of fish to see and birds - tons of birds. We met a very friendly duck when we stopped to eat that seemed to really like potato chips. Shame on us for feeding him, but we clearly weren't the first. Enjoy the short video:

Building my Muscles

Working out is hard. Especially when there's a bootcamp instructor yelling in your face to keep moving, keep moving. I LOVE IT! Haven't felt this good in years. It's not paying off in loss of pounds, as of yet. Really haven't changed my diet or my wine intake. But I know it's doing me some good. And that I've closed the floodgates of mid-life weight gain. Hoping to be able to touch my toes without bending my knees soon!

Mind's Eye

The picture in my mind is not clear enough. In order to visualize the future I desire, I need to start honing my imagination skills. Not sure why that seems so scary, but what I want and crave is really closer than I think. A mere matter of thinking it into being, I believe.

So, realizing that should be the first and most important step. I know meditating and visualizing works, yet, I don't practice it regularly. I don't want to look back and think if only I'd set more goals. How devastating. Goal setting is the easiest part. Writing down the goals and picturing them in my mind's eye, not that much more difficult.

Just do it!

A Taste of Blackberries

Our friend Eric has been pruning the blackberry picking honey hole this spring. It's now ripe for the picking. As we were picking this morning, I remembered the children's book A Taste of Blackberries. Must be one of the short list of books that really made an impact on me as a child. I think I should get a copy and re-read it now as a 40 year old.

I also think I should start putting a stack of books together for my nephew and neice. You know it would have to also include Where the Red Fern Grows. What a tear jerker!

Anyway, back to the blackberries....they are ripe and ready to be put into a cobbler or crisp. Fall is around the corner. Our best weather is upon us and the wine drinkers cometh.

I do have a taste for blackberries and all they bring with them.

Zip Line through the Redwoods...

Life is good!

Something so simple

I have thin, fine hair. I have to wash it every day. So, in an effort to reduce the amount of times I have to shampoo, I went for a stroll on Google to see what others are doing to remedy this situation. Believe me, it's a situation. I would wake up in the morning with greasy locks that had to be contained under a hat if I wanted to go work out before getting ready for the day. Never would I be caught dead leaving the house without shampooing first.

No 'Poo - that's the unfortunate name for the movement I discovered online. It's practiced by folks from all walks of life! I switched from shampoo to baking soda to clean my head and hair. My understanding is that there will be a transition period while my body gets used to not having the natural oils stripped from my hair.

I started using the baking soda - in the form of a paste made with water - about a week ago. It cleans my hair, but leaves enough oils to give it body. I can style my hair and it stays all day, which is really amazing. It's like having product in your hair with out the expense. But over several days, it started to get dull and have lots of static. So I cheated and used shampoo to restart. Can't believe how lifeless my hair was after that shampoo!

Today, I followed up the baking soda paste with a light spray of apple cider vinegar. I cannot believe how beautiful and silky smooth my hair is!!!

I'm a changed woman. And now, I'm going to have some extra change, because of all the money I'm going to save on hair care!!! Life is good!

Conditional Friends

I finally feel like I'm making progress with one friend and then another one goes on the fritz. Clearly, I'm the common denominator, so it stands to reason the issue is with me. I just don't have time for the bullshit. Life is too short to deal with things you don't need to. People's perceptions and perspectives are all so different. We should give everyone the benefit of the doubt and move on. Men do this so well.

I try to ignore all the crap and just go about my own business - easy, since we are busy and I have a million and one things to do (not the least of which is last year's taxes, ugh!). It's just so frustrating because I never know where I stand - is she mad at me? what did I do this time? did I even say that? Guessing games are a waste of time. It upsets me, though. I worry about having hurt feelings or doing something wrong.

So many quirks to try and understand. I wonder if I have quirks that get people talking? Sure would like to know. But it seems I don't have a friend here that would tell me. Hmmmm.

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Acquaintances Lost

An acquaintance of mine passed away last night. Only 40 years old, leaving behind and wife and toddler daughter. It's hard to know what to do, what to say when you are on the periphery. It's not a comfortable place to be. If you are new in a small town, knowing your place is important. Death disrupts the balance, especially on the edge of friendship. I'm glad I've been asked to prepare food for a memorial. Life is so precious and fleeting.

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all the knowledge in the world

Even if I had time to read and learn about all the social networking and such that ones needs to be an expert on, would I really want to spend all my time working at it? What would I really do with all that knowledge? I want to write and have people enjoy my writing. I'm not going to be the source of expertise on anything, although I have an opinion on most things and would happily share. I could come up with an entirely new concept and be the expert on that. I could just state that I'm an expert at something I like to do and then people want to hear what I have to say. That's what happens on the news everyday. The "experts" they find for network news are something else!

Making Changes

Change is good, right? I mean, it's inevitable for sure. So embracing it can only be a good thing. I think the fear of what the change will bring is the hardest part. If I make this decision, and something that I don't want happens, then it was making the decision that is to blame. Or maybe, what happens after the change is decided on would have happened regardless. It's better to be on the decisive end and not on the allowing end. I like being in control and at lease if I make the decision to change, then I'm the only one responsible.

On another note, I wonder if anyone ever reads this blog. If you've made it through the first paragraph and I've still got your attention, I'd love to know!

Sunday Morning

I'm spending this morning like I spend every Sunday morning. On the couch, a cup of hot tea in hand and the show "Sunday Morning" replaying from the 6am dvr recording. In my not so crazy life, I often complain there are no consistencies, not much discipline to stick to tasks and stay focused. And I've just realized that this mundane weekly activity of mine is about as consistent as any one could ask for. I can build on this. I can. Every year I say I'm going to write daily. It hasn't happened yet. That I'm going to stay on top of my responsibilities and not wait till the last minute to get things done. I still do all my bookkeeping for the past year in a week in March just in time for taxes to be due.

As I make the list above, I realize, consistency may be at the heart of my problem - the consistency of doing things the same way, week after week, year after year. And not the way I want to do them. Do we really have the power to change? Can I create new consistencies that more closely resemble the life I want to lead? Or am I leading the life I'm meant to have and should be happy with? Either way, I have a lot of work to do and should stop writing and get it done. ;-)

losing faith

how long do you wait for your dreams to fall into place? and can you let them go with out knowing what else to do? are we meant to dream and not realize them? don't think i will be able to answer these questions right now. just need to get them out of my head. i prayed this morning that i would let go of the dream of moving to california. maybe letting it go will bring it to pass. losing faith is hard. maybe it's not losing faith, maybe it's really finding it.

To Dream or Not To Dream

Maybe, it's better to have dreamed and not realized the dream, than to have never had the dream in the first place. I asked Bob what he thought about this - is just having the dream enough? He said NO - emphatically. I was happy about that answer. I don't want the dream to be in and of itself all we have. But still the question remains. What if the dream doesn't come to pass. Or, maybe we should really disect the dream and understand what the core fundemental element is of the dream that keeps us wanting it to happen. Is owning a wine shop in California what we really want? Or is it living on the ocean in the building where you work what we really want. Or, is it something even more fundemental - creating something together. In that case, couldn't we do that anywhere? And do we have to spend so much money to do it? And how do I get Bob to that understanding - that creating something together can start now. We don't have to just come home from work at night and think about what we want. We can work on it together starting now. Here in Orlando...no scratch that, we definitely want to leave Orlando. No offense to Orlando, it's just not where we want to be physically.

So last night, we took an introductory wine class at a local wine shop. Which, incidentally is starting to franchise ;-) Anyway, it was very interesting and I think we both really enjoyed it. Now when someone asks us what we know about wine, we can toss out some ridiculous words and phrases to shut them up!!

Believing

When I close my eyes, I see the tasting bar at the wine shop Bob and I want to purchase. Bob standing behind the counter pouring a taste for someone. I see the coastline of Sonoma and feel free, alive, energized. I believe it is where we are supposed to be. I believe we will make a wonderful life there. I believe it is what we need to flourish even more. I also believe we have no control over whether it happens or not. Which is very conflicting in my mind - I want it so bad and can't seem to just look forward to it. I want it to happen now and my frustration is building by the minute. It's hard to stay focused and content where I am because there is somewhere else I want to be. So my statement of truth for today is this: if this particular scenario doesn't play out they way we want it to, I believe that the Universe has something so incredible waiting, that I can't even imagine it. Now. Now I can begin to imagine what would be better than living in the same building as the wine shop you own in Sonoma County, CA, on the water - literally. Minutes from the heart of wine country and building a business together with my life partner. Being a part of a small community that supports your shop with their patronage. Becoming friends with winemakers and authors and other eccentric folks and living under two hours away from San Francisco.

Okay, what's better than that? I'm working on it....stay tuned!

Meditate a new life into existence

No one believes me when I say that I meditated my husband into my life. But it's true. And I believe meditation works. So why is it that I don't make it a permanent part of my day? The human nature is so strange. When we know we should do something that will help us or protect us, we run in the other direction. Like we want life to be hard. But it doesn't have to be!! Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, visualize your dream, spread good energy around, practice gratitude, practice gratitude, practice gratitude. And remember to let things go - it makes more room for what's to come. A crowded house blocks the flow of new experiences and adventures!! Open up, air out, be thankful, everyday. Smile and know that what you want (what you really want - and you really need to be able to feel it and know it) is on the way. Possibly in a different way than you planned. And by the way, don't plan - it never happens the way you think it's supposed to!

Sonoma County Trip